BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
