i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
