I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
