All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
