You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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