note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
