Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
