she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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