I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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