My nipple is on Facebook.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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