Your face is a jimmy john
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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