OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
how drunk are you?
Several
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
