I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
