Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
