I just made out with a guy for $7.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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