my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
