I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
