My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
