Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
