He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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