Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
