I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
