well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
