Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
