NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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