you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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