why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
