it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
