so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it penis luge time yet?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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