I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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