Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
