Ambien. No doubt about it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
