There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
