So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
