The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your penis caused this!
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