what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
