First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
