Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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