What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
