the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
