man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
