wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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