Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
