Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
