and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
