you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
there is glitter all over my balls
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