Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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