Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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