new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
