Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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