I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
