I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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