come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
