Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
