one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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