I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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