i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
